Arguing The Losses
We have been here before. The tears. Quiet tension. Both of us trying to make sense of what to do next. Our weaknesses shining through, reminding us that the chaos is still with us. Even though we have given our best through these 2 1/2 years it isn’t enough. We aren’t arguing because we don’t get along. We are arguing because the disease has taken up so much space within our life that other aspects get ignored and neglected. Sure, I didn’t like what he said and he didn’t like how I responded, but that is the surface stuff.
Deep down at it’s core neither of us know how to correct the situation with the resources we currently have. We need to sit down with a lawyer and ask some questions but we can’t afford it. We need advice that we can’t find. Theses are yesterday’s problem and yet they are taking today’s energies. It boils down to more loss. And when I reach that place of realizing that “we” aren’t arguing. Aaron and I aren’t arguing. It is the illness that is driving this conversation. I feel completely defeated, once again.Because I’ve been here before.
It feels like once I can look beyond the surface issues and into the core of the problem. I quit arguing. I quit trying to convince. I quit engaging, because there is no winner in this argument. The argument exists because of the illness and the losses. Normal, healthy people don’t have to have these lose-lose conversations. Their lives aren’t being controlled by outside forces. Ours is.
I hate being here because it makes me feel like I have no control over my life. I don’t feel safe, I feel scared. The disease has taken so much of my past and yet still deeply encroaches on my today and tomorrows. While freed from the physical pain, I’m still wrestling with the emotional pain. The financial losses are the hardest because you can see evidence of lack on a daily basis. It makes me hate my life. I resent Aaron for his weaknesses. Hate myself for everything. And hate the disease that has walked us down these dark and fearful paths. So many days spent curled in a ball trying to endure the suffering and losses.
I am not at odds with Aaron. He is not at odds with me. We are at odds with the losses. And when I realize that, I just feel broken,sad, powerless and heartbroken. Because you can’t resolve anything, there is nothing to be resolved, it is just loss, more and more loss.
The Longevity of Lyme is unfathomably destructive. After stopping the physical pain, I had to heal all the other parts as well. It isn’t fair that you have to take responsibility for the chaos. But if you don’t, you will not heal. The losses are real and require transformation on a level I would have never imagined. But their is hope and healing because FIGHTING is a MINDSET. Tune in to The Lyme Voice Podcast to hear more about healing and restoration, wrestling with losses, and learning to live and not just exist.
Shine On~Sarah Schlichte Sanchez
***Because people often ask I went to Envita for treatment and yes I would recommend them! I continued with their protocol for 2 years while also implementing the Gerson protocol. I continue with these in maintenance mode!