~Signing Do Not Resuscitate~
Alone in my room one day I quietly printed and signed a Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) document. I put it in a box that contained our families important documents. As I laid it on the birth certificates and adoption decrees, I realized I had waited to long to write a series of goodbye letters. I no longer had the emotional capacity or the stamina to write. I was mad at myself. I should have written letters to my kids. Telling them how much I loved each of them and how proud I was of them as they now had to face life without a Mom. I had thought of such things over the last year or so. But everyone kept telling me I was fine, that the pain wasn’t real. It was just overactive nerves and a dysfunction of the brain telling me that I was in pain. But it really was to late. I couldn’t push myself anymore to get up. I was violently throwing up and was unable to keep food down. I had pushed myself for years and years. I had no more fight left in me.
I had several days where I couldn’t keep water down any longer. I was laying in bed. Everything was filthy. The clothes I was wearing, and the sheets on my bed. The sun hurt my eyes so the shades were always closed. and to cover the loud buzzing in my ears I constantly had a fan on, hoping to drown out the misery of multiple sensory issues. I laid flat on my sheets, to worn and debilitated to lift my head up onto the pillow resting only inches away. This is it. It had been several days since I had kept down water. With my DNR papers tucked away I knew that since I would not use medical measures to keep myself alive, I would most likely die within the next two weeks. And I was deeply and overwhelmingly relieved. I didn’t want to leave my kids, but I couldn’t be a mom anymore. I knew they would be better off with someone who could actually take care of them. My pain and suffering had become their pain and suffering. If I could have closed my eyes and gone to sleep, never to wake up, I probably would have. The longevity of Lyme is almost unfathomable. It took me 17 years to get a diagnosis and begin to get to the root cause of my illness, it shouldn’t take that long.
To hear about more ways to FIGHT, ways to HEAL and ways to LIVE, tune into the Lyme Voice Podcast; dedicated to the afflicted, the weary and the weak.
***Because people often ask, I went to Envita Medical for treatment, and continued with their protocol for 2 years while also implementing the Gerson Protocol. I continue both in maintenance mode.http://lymevoice.com/037-doing-life-and-lyme-at-the-same-time-how-to-be-proactive-when-the-downward-spiral-begins/
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